Jdkxsoakska/@/&@/n!!! Frustrated. And it sucks. So many thoughts I constantly have going through my mind about things that have happened that I can’t change. Just EVERYTHING. It’s been a long fucking three years. A lot of good times but fuck, a whole heap of uneccesaary bullshit that I don’t know how I managed to pull myself through. There’s so many little thing that remind me of bigger things. These things are the things that being back the most hurtful memories. They say insecurities kill you. And they do. No matter how strong I feel…. I still feel second best. It’s not even a fucking competition and it still feels like I’m competing. It sucks. It drains the life out of me. There’s goals you try and reach for yourself. Yet I feel that I put goals there for myself but to please the other half. For instance… This fitness journey I’ve come across… I want to be fit, I want to be skinny, I want to feel pretty… I want this all for myself but I want it predominantly so the other half can maybe, I dunno, Love me more… So I can grab his attention more… So he can be proud to call me his! :( not that he isn’t already… Just.. I dunno. I want to feel good enough. I want to feel loved. I do feel loved.. I just feel I’m not doing right. I feel like he’s settled for second best. I feel like I’m not the one he should be with, every damn fucking day. And it’s driving me fucking crazy. I fucking swear. There’s so many instances over the last three years where I’ve just wanted to give up. I crave for the blade across my wrists to release the pain I feel. I’ve been so long without it. So long without harming myself. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can keep myself together. He is both the best and worst part of me. I think back to the times I thought it was me and only me, yet the ex was still in the picture. The ex who was supposed to just be the ex wasn’t just the ex after all. They were still calling eachother names and going out to dinners. I once found a paper where he brainstormed a whole heap of ideas where he should take her out and what he should buy her. Yet he never made that much effort in taking me out? Never made that much effort to buy me things? It wasn’t till my 20th birthday where he actually gave me the world. Moments like those I will forever cherish. It’s all the bullshit in between. This is what happens when you’re in a dis functional relationship that’s on one minute and off the next. I think the longest we’ve actually been officially together is maybe 3 weeks. Maybe a month even. It never lasts. He always ends up leaving me. I’ve been broken that many times. There’s been instances where he’s left and told me to get fucked and that he’ll never come back. After a few weeks I believe him and try move on. I’ve fucked up just as much. Doing those, if he did it I can too. This is why I have trust issues. Because of the hurt and the lies. Because he kept me second best and hidden for so fucking long. How could I be so dilluted! Being stringed along. Thinking I was the only one. The entire time at Uni when I thought he really did love me, yet every weekend he was who the fuck knows who. And yet every week a new girl would pop up, a new girl would text a new girl would be sweet talked to. Never mind physical, the fact he had time to even do this. The whole time him being at Uni yet he was just mailing other girls to meet up with him. THE WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME!!!! And he didn’t!!!!!! Karma surely is a bitch. I guess I do deserve everything that’s been thrown at me. Why should I point the finger if my hands aren’t clean. I’ve tried making amends, staying calm. But I can’t. Because even if I try to change my ways, he won’t believe that I’m 100% loyal :( I try so hard. I don’t see him trying to show me it’s me, to show me it’s only me that’s his. I’m that much of an insecure bitch I can’t deal. I still even put in my mind the ex is still in his life and sooner or later she’s going to come back and take him from me. I’m breaking into pieces and I can’t do this. What do I do. The blade looks so mighty tempting. But I can’t. I moved here for a reason. I moved to get away from the craziness. I moved to finally be me. But I’m starting to sink back into this dark hole. And I can’t handle this on my own. I can’t keep doing this to myself. He left me over and over and over and over again :( and every single time he came back I let him in again and again. He left me and I had to leave. I couldn’t stay. I tell everyone it was for family, and it was, but I no longer had a home. I no longer had him. I had nothing. So why would I stay if I had nothing. I HAD NOTHING. And everything fell apart. I needed out. I can’t go back :( not now. I need to find myself. It’s hard you know. Having every inch of you miss someone. I have him now. It took three years of craziness to finally get it right. But even now… I still don’t feel good enough. How could I let him be in love with two people at the same time. I was just the fun part, the good time. It shouldn’t have gone on this long. I dunno. Maybe there’s someone out there that will benefit him. Maybe I can’t fulfill what he needs. I don’t know. I’m going crazy.